End of trip reflections // Day 12-17(!)

My apologies for being so behind on updates! A lot has been going on! Here is a bit of a more personal post about what has happened! I know this won't be the last of posts!

After the Malaysia conference and during the long ride from Malaysia to Singapore on Saturday/Sunday, I began to feel bombarded by voices of the enemy. During the conference, it was as if I was Daniel thrown into the lions den... because honestly, it felt like that at times. Being the main leader of almost 55 young students and trying to keep them paying attention and engaged was a difficult task -- especially in a small room. After lunch, (as I mentioned before), the whole Apprentice team, their team leader, and an additional leader came in to assist with the students. As I reflected about the conference, I began to feel inadequate and disappointed in myself - that I was not able to handle and lead the students as well as I could have or carry out my responsibilities effectively. Though the Malaysia conference went phenomenally well with such positive responses about extending the reach of the organization for Kingdom work, I was having trouble seeing the conference in a positive light. Those discouraging thoughts continued to seep in and clouded my mind with darkness. I was able to enjoy some of the sights the next couple days after that, and encouragement from friends kept me going.

On Wednesday (Day 12, Nov 1), we went to Chinatown and did some shopping. After that, we went back to our Singapore training center to help the local team prepare for their media showcase night. Within a few minutes of arriving at the center, I was put to work cutting fruit for the refreshments. I began feeling slightly dizzy, lightheaded, and faint the night before, but as I stood there cutting fruit I didn't feel good at all. I asked to be excused, and went upstairs to rest. While the rest of the team was preparing for the special night, I was lying in bed feeling miserable physically and emotionally. I had already been weary with lots of suppressed emotions and feelings, and this was like a knock out. I hated that I was sick in bed. I was missing all the fun and honestly wondering what else God could possibly have up His sleeve for this trip. One of the themes that has really been coming up during this trip is the realization and need for me to learn how to respond to God when things fall out of my hands and out of control. Indeed, there have been a lot of uncontrollables the past two weeks. It has been a battle, for sure! That night, my head began to start shake uncontrollably back and forth. Though it was slightly concerning to me, it was more of a concern to those around me. (Imagine seeing a human bobbly head shaking its head all the time!) My trip leader decided that she would move one of the leaders to be my substitute for the Singapore conference. This bit of news crushed me, as the enemy began to remind me again of how I am not needed. This is very contrary to my personality, ISFJ, as we are people who feel we need to be needed! That night, my mind kept dwelling on a Scripture that comes from Matthew 20:28 -- "the Son of Man did not to be served, but to serve..." As I kept thinking over it, I reflected how my heart for this trip was to serve and pour out on others. Instead, I felt that my heart's desire was not being met. There I was, not even being able to stand or walk securely. Friends served me by carrying my things; giving me an extra hug; standing close by so I wouldn't fall. And though they were a huge help, I became saddened over the fact that I felt so weak, helpless, and dependent. Thankfully, after some rest and good conversations with others, I felt well enough to watch the media showcase for a bit and then headed home. I am thankful for my host -- she made me an oil drink and prayed healing over me that night.

The next day (Day 13, Thursday, Nov 2) was conference prep day. I awoke in the morning, still dizzy and faint, with my head shaking becoming more vigorous. It was hard to walk around without feeling like I would fall, and it took a good bit of effort to tell my brain to stop my head from shaking. That morning was Wednesday night back at home, and I was able to have a FaceTime call with my small group at youth group, and they prayed over me. I am especially grateful for all their caring texts and the fact that they've been reaching out really encouraged me. I was able to participate in some of the planning meetings we had in the morning, then felt I needed some alone time, so I rested for awhile. On the way to the conference facility, my head shaking became much more intense and increased in speed. I spent most of that afternoon/evening reclined on a couch trying to calm down and rest. (It is exhausting having your head constantly bobbing/shaking!) During this time, several of the moms prayed over/with me, rubbed me with oils, and sat with me. There was also one point in the day where I was sitting trying to get myself together, and I looked up and saw a big prayer circle of my teammates lifting me up in prayer. That was really special to me. That night, we had a team check in, and our team leader encouraged us to share a promise we were choosing to claim over the next few conference days. To be honest, this was hard for me, as I was still feeling overall bummed and discouraged. When my turn came to share, the Truth I chose to claim was Romans 8:28 - and we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. That was my hope - that somehow, I will be able to see the light in the midst of all that I was walking through.

Day 14 (Friday, Nov 3) came and went. The things I am grateful for Friday are friends, meaningful text exchanges, more down time, and a boost of emotional and physical strength. I went into the day feeling more at rest about the conference, a lot less worried, and a lot better physically! In the evening, our conference had a free Expo program, and my grand-uncle, grand-aunt, aunt, and cousin came. It filled me with so much joy to see them, and I finally felt truly alive for the first time in several days!

Day 15 (Saturday, Nov 4) was the main conference! Though my shaking hadn't stopped completely, it was a lot more controlled. I do think that my discouragement about Malaysia post-conference as well as worrying about Singapore pre-conference all accumulated into anxiety that manifested in the form of my head shaking. During Friday and Saturday, one of my friends would come over to me and encourage me to take deep breaths, and say "Satan has no place in your life" whenever my head would start shaking again. It really helped! On Saturday, I woke up with a much more positive mindset. I was renewed and filled with energy, and committed that day to loving on others. The conference went incredibly well. Though there were hurdles, we were able to overcome them through Him. It was a bittersweet day, as we concluded the last event of three over the past two weeks and said "so long" to people we've drawn close to.

Day 16 (Sunday, Nov 5) - yesterday morning, we reflected about the trip and spent time with Him as a team. we shared about how we specifically saw God meet the promises we had claimed. I shared how I saw God's love poured out for me in a tangible way during this week -- the love and care he showed me through others both here and at home have been so humbling to me, and I praise Him for the peace and security He instilled in my heart. All the pieces of this week, though painful, worked together for good. Not just the mere fact that the conference went well. That doesn't really matter. Ultimately, I am grateful that He has stirred in me a greater sense of His presence and made my identity of who I am in Christ stronger and more intense than I even thought I needed. We spent the afternoon and evening doing more sightseeing, including visiting Clarke Quay and having turkish ice cream!

Today, Monday Nov 6 - I had a lovely day spent with my extended family here in Singapore, especially having the blessed opportunity of visiting my great-grandmother, spending time with my cousin, and having tea with my grand-aunt and aunts. Then I met up with my team and spent the evening at the Gardens by the Bay and saw a light show at the supertrees.

Pictures to come, but first, sleep! Tomorrow we will be visiting Orchard Road and Lucky Plaza, then pack to leave! :(

Congrats if you made it this far in this post. ;)